


How not to DIY or Don't your let brother help

by swaneewhistleandkazoo



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Don't Try This At Home, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Incompent Carpentry skills, Pregnancy, baby prep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 23:12:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14681415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swaneewhistleandkazoo/pseuds/swaneewhistleandkazoo
Summary: Newt and Theseus attempt to put together Newt's unborn child’s crib and it is an unmitigated disaster.





	How not to DIY or Don't your let brother help

The desire to handcraft a crib for his and Tina upcoming child had hit upon him when they had been visiting Jacob and Queenie. He had greatly admired his nephew’s handsome handcrafted crib. Jacob with his chest puffed out with pride had talked gleefully about how he had lovingly crafted it with his own two hands and had gone into the finer points of carpentry over dinner, which he could appreciate but not fully comprehend.

Most of the carpentry he performed in his suitcase and around the house he used magic for. But the way Jacob had described feeling the grain of the wood under his fingers and pleasure it had given him to use the skills he had learnt with the Expeditionary Forces for something other than war, for something pure and innocent. The idea had captivated his imagination and he had resolved to build the crib using muggle techniques.

He had been unwilling to ask for Jacob’s assistance as poor Jacob was currently rushed of his feet managing his bakeries in New York and in London, setting up in a second location in London as well as caring for his and Queenie’s growing family.

His brother had enthusiastically offered his unwanted assistance in this adventure, Theseus hadn’t quite understood Newt’s desire to do things by hand but used to his brothers peculiarities had launched into the scheme with amused enthusiasm.

He should have never left Theseus get involved.

Once they had procured the essential equipment and wood needed the disasters (fun) had started.

Newt sat defeated in the middle of the half build nursery with his head in his hands. He was surrounded with a sea of destroyed wood, crooked nails, bent tools, sawdust trails, spilt paint, chips of porcelain from smashed mugs and patches of blood in various stages of drying. The niffler had knocked over a tin of paint which both he and Theseus had run through to try to catch it they had left trails of footprints winding around the whole house attractively criss crossing with trails of sawdust.

The chisel had just attempted to take off top of his thumb that he had hit earlier with the hammer; it was at this point he had decided muggle carpentry wasn’t really his forte and that this was a good stopping point.

Especially if he wanted to keep all of his fingers

And toes after he’d dropped the saw on them

The first attempt was a collapsed wreck in the corner, the second attempt slanted limply on three legs after the forth had fallen off while they were moving it, the third attempt groaned and swayed on its spindly little legs every time the wind blew, the fourth attempt was in pieces and covered in porcelain shards after Theseus had tripped over and crushed it bring up some tea for them and the fifth attempt had somehow caught fire and sat smouldering in the corner opposite of the first attempt.

Theseus had staged at tactical withdrawal after dropping the ten pound sledgehammer on his foot and had limbed off, swearing angrily to lick his wounds with a stiff drink of firewhiskey.

He felt soft fur brush the back of his fingers as he kneaded his burning eyes. He looked up and met the lamp like eyes of their kneazle, smiling slightly he rubbed the little grey and white check and the kneazle rumbled with contentment.  

“What would you do eh?” He asked the kneazle who was now pressed against his chest purring delightedly “You’d just build a nice cosy nest in a cupboard and have your kittens in there wouldn’t you?”

He ran his hand along its back “None of this chaos, right?”

“Right”

Tina’s voice made his jolt in surprise; she’d slipped into the room having arrived home without him noticing. The shame he felt increased tenfold, this was supposed to be a surprise for her and the baby.

She stood in the doorway to the nursery and surveyed the chaos with her hands on her hips, their kneazle wove itself around its mistresses ankles meowing plaintively for attention. For some reason kneazles were one of the few creatures that preferred Tina over him, which didn’t bother him except he for the times when he was being outnumbered.  

He couldn’t look her anymore so he focused on his hands his right thumb nail had turned an interesting shade of purple, almost plum but with an odd brownish tinge. Closure to prune than plum perhaps or maybe magenta, thinking about the different variants of purple helped distract him from his failures of being a husband and a father.

He was thinking so hard about the differences between the various colours of purple that he jumped when her fingers gently combed through his curly hair dislodging a truly extraordinary amount of sawdust caught up in it. She played thoughtfully with the curls at the base of his skull and tenderly stroked the bruise on his cheekbone caused by a flying piece of wood with her thumb.

She wasn’t a legilimens like her sister but he couldn’t help wondering if she did have a little bit of the skill as she scanned him with her dark eyes.

Finally she shook her head slightly, her expression serious “Newt, what on earth is that?”

He was hurt for a moment, until she burst into giggles unable to keep a straight face any longer. She shifted to sit cross legged next to him and dissolved into deeper into the giggles. Her laughter was infectious and he was soon chuckling along with the absurdness of the situation.

He managed to force out between peals of laughter “It’s our child’s crib.”

That just made her laugh even harder; she managed to gasp out “What were you trying to do? Reinvent the wheel?”    

They did have a strong passing resemblance to a cart wheel.

She calmed down slightly and gently rubbed her bump “Your Father is a silly man” She told their baby. It always made him happy when she talked to it like it was already here with them. She looked round at attempts one through five with a certain amount of stunned awe. “What happened Newt? I mean you’ve always been good at making things. When I left this morning and you said you were going to build the crib I didn’t expect to come home to this.”

He shifted uncomfortably “Well I made all of those things with magic and I didn’t” He cleared his throat “Use magic to make them”

She looked at him flatly “It’s a nice idea Newt it really is. But I am surprised that you didn’t destroy the house”  she gestured at the saw that was sunk into the supporting wall column and attempt five still smouldering cheerfully in the corner. She stroked the bruise on his cheek again and this time he did wince “or lose an eye.”

Feeling the urge to defend himself he threw his brother under the bus “I was doing perfectly fine Tina, most of this chaos was caused by Theseus.”

At her expectant look he elaborated “Okay the first attempt went badly that was my fault I never made anything the muggle way before so it was trial and error. The second attempt Theseus got a little too enthusiastic with the saw and sawed the forth leg off. The third, well niffler escaped and we were a little distracted selecting the correct size wood for the legs so its rather top heavy. The fourth attempt was good we were getting the hang of it by them but Theseus tripped over Dougal went he brought up the tea and” He gestured at the pile of splinters mixed well with porcelain shards and tea stains “Well its matchsticks now.”   

He gestured sadly at attempt number five “Number Five was quite good really, but Theseus was a little too enthusiastic celebrating” The memory of the celebratory wand sparks igniting his special project was a bitter one.

A speculative look crossed her face “I thought I saw him limp into the office on his day off”

He squeezed her hand, rubbing her wedding ring “Sledgehammer to the foot his own fault. I thought he’d have better hand- eye co ordination what with him being an auror and everything, but no”

Tina nodded solemnly in agreement but he could tell she was struggling not to laugh “The man is an amazing auror but a terrible carpenter.”

They both dissolved into another fit of the giggles.

Once they’d both calmed down she elbowed him in the ribs “Come on you. Let’s get this sorted put some dittany on those wounds.” He had to help her up seven month pregnancy bumps made it difficult for her to get about, which was why she’d been relegated to desk duty.

She pointed her wand at the mess “Scourgify” The remains of the cribs vanished into the air as did the rest of the disorder.

Patting him on the shoulder she picked up the kneazle, halfway down the stairs her voice echoed back up to him “Next time get Jacob to help you, I think he’d like the project he needs a break from work at the bakery”

Newt looked around at the empty room, He had two months to get it ready.

Next time he wouldn’t let Theseus help.


End file.
